Search This Blog

Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts

Tuesday 25 August 2015

10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh fringe

Source: The Guardian

1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.
2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.
3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?
4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.
6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.
7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.
8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.
10. Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.
Honourable Mentions
Jenny Collier: I never lie on my CV, because it creases it.
Ian Smith: If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
Tom Ward: I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Gyles Brandreth: Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
Ally Houston: Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means “me”.
James Acaster: Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it. Should’ve been called Look Who’s Hawking, that’s my only criticism.

Wednesday 17 December 2014

25 Best British Jokes


1. “I’ve been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?’, I automatically say: 'Vodafone.’”
Miranda Hart
2. “I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Peter Kay
3. “A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.”
Tim Vine
4. “I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids. Well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.”
Sean Hughes
5. “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”
Rob Auton
6. “I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.”
Holly Walsh
7. “I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall
8. “Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”
Dan Antopolski
9. “Try shoving an ice-cube down your wife’s front at night. 'There’s the chest freezer you wanted.’”
Ken Dodd
10. “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
Stewart Francis
11. “Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.”
Andrew Laurence
12. “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
Tim Vine
13. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
Nick Helm
14. “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It’s not rocket salad.’”
Lou Sander
15. “I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like.”
Pippa Evans
16. “I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”
Alfie Moore
17. “A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?”
Jack Dee
18. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in. It’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre
19. “For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk - but very, very slowly.”
John Bishop
20. A big girl once came up to me after a show and said 'I think you’re fatist.’ I said 'No. I think you’re fattest.’
Jimmy Carr
21. “In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That’s a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off.”
Rhod Gilbert
22. “No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been dining off 'I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years.”
Russell Brand
23. 'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.’
Bill Bailey
24. “Dogs don’t love you. They’re just glad they don’t live in China.”
Romesh Ranganathan
25. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
Matt Kirshen

Tuesday 19 August 2014

10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh festival fringe 2014

Courtesy The Guardian
1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust." – Tim Vine
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set." – Masai Graham
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief." – Mark Watson
4. "I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s." – Bec Hill
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me." – Ria Lina
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal." – Paul F Taylor
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying." – Scott Capurro
8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole." – Kevin Day
9. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven." – Jason Cook
10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it." –Felicity Ward

Friday 9 May 2014

42 phrases a lexophile would love

By Ajay Desouza

Lexophile
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
8. A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
13. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
17. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
18. A will is a dead giveaway.
19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
23. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
24. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
25. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
26. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
27. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
28. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
29. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
30. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
31. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
32. A calendar’s days are numbered.
33. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
34. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
35. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
36. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
37. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
38. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
39. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
40. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
41. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
42. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

Tuesday 20 August 2013

The Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2013

  1. Rob Auton “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

  1. Alex Horne “I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.  It was sole-destroying.”

  1. Alfie Moore - “I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”

  1. Tim Vine - “My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island, I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily.’”

  1. Gary Delaney - “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.”

  1. Phil Wang “The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.”

  1. Marcus Brigstocke “You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.”

  1. Liam Williams “The universe implodes. No matter.”

  1. Bobby Mair “I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.”

  1. Chris Coltrane - “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.”

Tuesday 21 August 2012

The top 10 jokes from 2012 Edinburgh Fringe Festival


1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." –Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine
3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh
4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett
5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." –Chris Turner
6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine
7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold
8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" –Stewart Francis
9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders
10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

Friday 26 August 2011

Top Ten Jokes at Edinburgh Fringe This Year

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."