1. “I’ve been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?’, I automatically say: 'Vodafone.’”
Miranda Hart
2. “I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Peter Kay
3. “A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.”
Tim Vine
4. “I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids. Well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.”
Sean Hughes
5. “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”
Rob Auton
6. “I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.”
Holly Walsh
7. “I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall
8. “Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”
Dan Antopolski
9. “Try shoving an ice-cube down your wife’s front at night. 'There’s the chest freezer you wanted.’”
Ken Dodd
10. “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
Stewart Francis
11. “Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.”
Andrew Laurence
12. “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
Tim Vine
13. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
Nick Helm
14. “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It’s not rocket salad.’”
Lou Sander
15. “I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like.”
Pippa Evans
16. “I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”
Alfie Moore
17. “A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?”
Jack Dee
18. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in. It’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre
19. “For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk - but very, very slowly.”
John Bishop
20. A big girl once came up to me after a show and said 'I think you’re fatist.’ I said 'No. I think you’re fattest.’
Jimmy Carr
21. “In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That’s a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off.”
Rhod Gilbert
22. “No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been dining off 'I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years.”
Russell Brand
23. 'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.’
Bill Bailey
24. “Dogs don’t love you. They’re just glad they don’t live in China.”
Romesh Ranganathan
25. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
Matt Kirshen
