Pakistan must live in Peshawar

Reem Wasay in The Hindu

Time and again, the country has moved on and forgotten about the dead. But not this time

For the last decade or so, Pakistanis seemed to have lost the ability to be easily moved by news of tragedy and misfortune — so frequent have been the numbers of dead, injured and displaced. However, what transpired on Tuesday, December 16, in Peshawar has shaken this country more than any earthquake, attack or battle ever could. The massacre of 132 children, who must have thought they were safe in the impenetrability of their school, by Taliban militants, has left a gaping wound that continues to splutter the rancid blood of our collective failure to protect the most vulnerable among us.

Storming the Army Public School (APS) and Degree College premises in a hail of gunfire and explosives-laden suicide vests, the militants did not enter to take hostages and negotiate with power brokers and members of the government; they came to kill and strike a fatal blow to the last remaining vestiges of humanity left in this Pakistan, and they succeeded. Every passing minute, with the death toll rising and red tickers on television screens changing their statistics, left onlookers gasping for air, parents wailing for their trapped angels, newscasters fighting back tears and Special Services Group (SSG) commandos at the ready wondering how things could have gone so horribly, bloodily wrong.

Brave teachers evacuated panicked students and were pumped full of bullets and the principal was burned alive in front of the children to instil maximum terror. Dressed as paramilitary personnel, the militants duped the children to reveal who among them were from army families; they naively shot up their little hands, thinking they were going to be rescued, but were instead shot between the eyes. Others played dead and cowered under desks and behind chairs only to be dragged out and gunned down. More than a dozen explosives rang out during the eight- hour-long siege — say that to yourself again: eight hours of defenceless children ambushed without the protective cover of a mother or father’s undying love, shielding their darlings from any and all harm. There is no greater human tragedy.

Not a ‘blowback’ attack

Running parallel to this calamity was the gloating statement from the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) claiming responsibility for the carnage, justifying it as revenge for army operations against them and their families. They were talking about Operation Zarb-e-Azb, a Pakistan military offensive being waged in North Waziristan since June this year, after the same militants attacked Karachi International Airport, killing some 36 people.

Such excuses will simply not do now; this is not a ‘blowback’ attack for the deaths of militants’ families in drone attacks and military operations; it is an ideology that must be realised by the entire nation and eliminated.

Some may argue that Pakistan was created in the name of Islam, and that debate will rage on for many more years to come, but what stands as clear as the pools of unblemished blood in the grounds of APS Peshawar is the fact that Islam is being used to destroy this country corner to corner, person to person. These militants did not fly in here overnight nor did they scale the walls of ironclad fortresses committed to the preservation of the Pakistani nation in a surprise attack. No, they have been allowed to fester and rot at the very core of what should have been a National Security Policy, a policy that only resulted in the limp bodies of this nation.

No effective counterterrorism measures have been taken to root out a terror of our own making: a proxy scourge that has penetrated every city, every mind. It is the mindset in Pakistan that is the problem. From shrinking space for moderate voices on every platform to the public outpouring of sympathy we see for the killers of those accused of blasphemy, from minorities and anyone with secular, liberal leanings to the infantile projections of “my sect is bigger than your sect,” Pakistan is not surprised by the horror that unfolded in Peshawar — it has finally been numbed and struck down by the chilling awareness that this is a monster of our own making, the culmination of our Machiavellian pact with the primitive and the poisonous.

We can lay blame on the TTP all we want, but the real criminals are those who apologise for their ideology by footing the blame on “foreign hands”; who seek excuses when they should have sought retribution; who move on when Ahmedis and Shias are ruthlessly burned, beaten, murdered for their faith; who offer media space to orthodox clerics to air their views for public consumption; and who allow the communal gathering of the likes of Jamaat-ud-Dawa Chief Hafiz Saeed riding in on a white stead, like some sort of repugnant messiah of the people, at a symbol of Pakistan’s newly found hope and pride all those years ago (Minar-e-Pakistan) that are to blame.

For too long now, journalists like me have been urged to self-censor, to throw in the towel lest extremist ire is sparked, to tremble at the mere mention of change, repeal or amendment of the current mindset where sectarian differences cancel out universal convergence on humane notions of good and evil.

Why a school was targeted

The school was targeted because it was one where military officers sent their offspring and because it was a symbol of everything the Taliban are opposed to: enlightenment and freedom. Where their lies and propaganda brainwash ignorant minds, schools liberate future generations from their draconian claws. Malala Yousafzai (you either love her or hate her in Pakistan) was shot in the face by the same mentality in 2012 and many here sneered at her, calling her a U.S. agent. Were all 141 fatalities in Peshawar agents and were they 141 reasons to give up our misguided notion of strategic assets and proxy panhandling?

“The school was targeted because it was a symbol of everything the Taliban are opposed to: enlightenment and freedom.”

Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif lifted the moratorium on the death penalty the day after the attack, after widespread public backlash and media frenzy demanded that all terrorists on death row be executed immediately. This is a fragile first step; it is a belated response to a plague that runs woefully deeper. Battered, bruised, bleeding and gone are our children — their hands shown grasping their copies and bags in photographs splashed all over social and other media. It is a harrowing vision, but it is necessary. We have, time and again, moved on and forgotten about the dead, swept away the fragments of their bodies by our own apathy and forgetfulness. Not this time Pakistan; do not forget this time. The pestilence of extremism must be purged, we must say this freely now, we must never think twice. Pakistan must live in Peshawar until this war is won.

(Reem Wasay is Op-ed Editor of Daily Times, Pakistan.)

Best quotations from The Simpsons

1. “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail”

2. “It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen”

3.  Bart: "Grandpa, why don't you tell a story?"
     Lisa: "Yeah Grandpa, you lived a long and interesting life."
     Grandpa: "That's a lie and you know it"

4. Marge: "Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?"

    Homer: "Yeah, pretty much, except we drove round in a van solving mysteries"

5. Homer: "We're proud of you, Boy.

    Bart: "Thanks Dad. Part of this d-minus belongs to God"

6. "Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead"

7. "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try”

8. “If you pray to the wrong god, you might just make the right one madder and madder”

9. "When I look at people I don't see colours; I just see crackpot religions"

10 "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals         … except the weasel"

11 Marge: "It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma had celibacy thrust upon her"

12 Vendor: "Hot dogs, get your hot dogs!"

    Homer: "I'll take one"
    Marge: "What, do you follow my husband around to sell him hot dogs?"
    Vendor: "Lady, he's putting my kids through college."

13 "How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

14 "Lisa, you've got the brains and talent to go as far as you want, and when you do I'll be right there to borrow money.”

15 “I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!”

16 “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.”

17 “What’s the point of going out? We’re just gonna wind up back home anyway.”

18 "Cheating is the gift man gives himself."

19 "Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds!"

20 "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

21 "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

22 "Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix."

23  Moe: "Homer, lighten up! You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic."

24 "I don't get mad, I get stabby"

25 "I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly."

26 "There's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa".

      Bart Simpson, son of Father Homer Christmas.

27 "Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world."

28 "When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!"

 

25 times real life echoed The Simpsons

From The Telegraph 

1. When a lemon tree was stolen

In the 1995 Simpsons episode Lemon of Troy, the children of Springfield waged war against their Shelbyville rivals, after the latter stole a treasured lemon tree belonging to the town. But would anyone bother to steal a lemon tree in real life? Apparently, the answer is yes. In 2013, a bizarre theft took place in a suburban area of Houston, Texas, when thieves dug up and ran off with a lemon tree belonging to local resident Kae Bruney. Addressing the robbers directly, Bruney told local news channel KHOU: "I hope you find yourself stricken with dysentery on a long drive in the middle of nowhere. If you needed my lemons so bad, I hope they serve you well."

2. When a man grew a "tomacco"

Inspired by the 1999 episode in which Homer invents "tomacco", a highly addictive tomato-tobacco hybrid, Rob Baur, a Simpsons fan from Lake Oswego in Oregon, cultivated his own tomacco plants. Using a Scientific American article that outlined how to graft together a tobacco and tomato plant, Baur created a plant that produced fruit that looked like a normal tomato, but contained high levels of nicotine (enough to render it inedible and potentially very toxic). Unlike their Simpsons counterparts, Baur's tomacco plants were not eventually destroyed by a herd of marauding tobacco-addicted farm animals.

3. When a three-eyed fish was caught near a nuclear power plant

In the 1990 episode Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish, Bart caught Blinky, a three-eyed fish, in the pond fed by Monty Burn's nuclear power plant. In 2011, a three-eyed fish was pulled from a reservoir in Argentina. Worryingly, the mutation didn't appear to be a natural one: the reservoir in question was fed by water from a nuclear plant in the province of Córdoba.

4. When a man rebelled against his parents by getting the ultimate Simpsons tattoo

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire, the first episode of the show to air, saw Bart rebel against Marge and sneak off to get himself a tattoo. One man who wouldn't have seen the episode at the time was 27-year-old New Zealander Lee Weir, who was banned from watching the show when growing up. (Weir describes his father as "a real-life Ned Flanders".) Like Bart, Weir subsequently rebelled against his parents by getting tattooed – with 41 images of Homer Simpson. He currently holds the world record for having the most tattoos of the same cartoon character on his body. Speaking to the Daily Mail about his record-breaking status, Weir said: "It hasn't made me a better person but I definitely think it has made me a slightly cooler one."

^{(Picture: Guinness World Records, via Twitter)}

5. When Homer's dream car became a reality

The car designed by Homer for his auto-manufacturer half-brother in the 1991 episode O Brother, Where Art Thou featured lurid green bodypaint; leashes and muzzles to restrain "fighting kids"; a bonnet ornament depicting a 10-pin bowler, giant externally mounted cup holders, and a supersized horn that blasted out La Cucaracha. For the 2013 24 Hours of Lemons race – an annual parody of the 24 Hours of Le Mans endurance race series, held in the US – Porcubimmer Motors recreated Homer's design in loving detail (right down to the La Cucaracha-blasting horn).

6. When someone invented a "real" baby translator

A "cry translator" (designed to help parents interpret the sounds produced by their babies) hit the market in 2009. The website for the device claims: "in 3 seconds it will tell you the reason for [your baby's] crying". But the Simpsons managed to get there first almost two decades earlier: in the 1992 episode Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?, Homer's half-brother Herb tried his hand at inventing a "baby translator", to help mothers understand their children.

7. When a Kill Bill billboard took inspiration from Itchy and Scratchy

^{The New Zealand Kill Bill billboard}

An impressive New Zealand billboard poster advertising Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill made it appear as if blood had splattered out of the poster on to the street below, covering cars in red droplets. But, when it comes to graphic, bloody violence, it's probably fair to say that Tarantino movies have nothing on Tom and Jerry parody Itchy and Scratchy, the fictional cartoon beloved by Bart and Lisa. It's therefore not surprising that, several years before Kill Bill hit cinema, The Simpsons depicted The Itchy and Scratchy Movie being advertised via blood-spraying billboard.

^{The Simpsons' billboard for The Itchy and Scratchy Movie}

8. When Michelangelo's David was forced to cover up

Itchy and Scratchy also featured heavily in the 1990 episode Itchy and Scratchy and Marge, in which Marge led a censorship campaign, horrified by the show's violence. She later realised the censorship had gone too far, after Michelangelo's David was taken to a Springfield museum, and local citizens protested against the statue's nudity. In 2001, a Florida-based shop put a replica of Michelangelo's David outside its front door. A handful of citizens objected to the "indecent" statue and successfully campaigned to have David's private parts covered with a cloth. More recently, in 2014, an elderly British couple, Clive and Joan Burgess, received complaints from neighbours and faced an intervention from their local council, after they placed a replica of the statue in their front garden.

9. When the "Simpsons house" was built ... then de-Simpsonised

In 1997, a Fox and Pepsi-sponsored competition offered entrants a life-size replica of the Simpsons' house as its main prize. The four bedroom yellow-painted house was erected in Henderson, Nevada. Decorators had to watch over 100 episodes of The Simpsons to get the colours and furnishings just right for the eventual owner. Sadly, the winner chose a cash-prize alternative, and the house was stripped and sold in 2001.

10. When Florida launched a real life "snake whacking"

In the 1993 episode Whacking Day, Springfield's residents indulged in an annual "snake whacking", during which citizens rounded up local snakes, drove them into the town square, and beat them to death. Writer George Meyer envisaged the episode as a way to raise awareness about the mistreatment of snakes. One state who evidently didn't pick up the subtext was Florida, where wildlife officials launched the "2013 Python Challenge", a competition in which hunters competed to see who could kill the greatest number of pythons. To be fair to the Florida Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, the idea was motivated by a need to tackle the problems caused by an explosion in the area's non-native snake population, and hunters were encouraged to kill the pythons "humanely", rather than beating them to death. But with cash prizes offered for the longest and greatest number of snakes dispatched, it's hard not to think of the Springfield "snake whacking" spirit.

11. When the Rolling Stones toured, despite being in their seventies

Lisa is given a glimpse into the future in the 1995 episode Lisa's Wedding, which was actually set in 2010. One of the episode's jokes was a poster advertising the "Rolling Stones Steel Wheelchair Tour 2010”. In real life, the Stones toured in 2005, 2012 and 2014, and are still going strong. Singer Mick Jagger is 70, as is lead guitarist Keith Richards; drummer Charlie Watts is 72, and guitarist Ronnie Wood is a comparatively sprightly 66.

12. When video phones became a reality

Lisa's Wedding also contained another prediction that went on to become real: in the episode, Lisa and Marge chatted on phones fitted with video screens. After promising Lisa that she'd make sure Homer behaved at the wedding, Marge crossed her fingers, prompting Lisa to remind her that she was on "a picture phone".

13. When thieves made off with some "retirement grease"

In 2008 thieves in New York reportedly began stealing used cooking oil left outside restaurants and selling it as biofuel. They may have been taking inspiration from Homer's "retirement grease": in the 1998 episode Lard of the Dance, Homer discovered he could make a profit through stealing and reselling grease.

14. When the real-life Bart Simpson met the real-life Mr Burns

In 2013, a British man named Bart Simpson, accused of carrying a prohibited firearm, was called to appear before a judge named Mr. Burns at Warwick Crown Court. 56-year-old company director Simpson (full name Barton Simpson) was caught with a .38 Smith and Wesson revolver in his hand luggage at Birmingham Airport. "There were some eyebrows raised when the court list was published," a court worker said at the time. "It's a bizarre coincidence that Bart Simpson is actually on trial in front of Mr Burns, but it'll proceed as any other criminal case would." In the event, the real-life Mr Burns let Simpson off with a fine and community service, acknowledging that the gun had been left in the bag due to a genuine mistake.

15. When the "Good Morning" burger stopped being a joke

Nowadays, given the proliferation of ever-bigger, ever-stranger fast food creations, it's hard to remember that The Simpsons' Good Morning burger – essentially a super-large, super-fatty breakfast burger – was originally intended as a joke. Perhaps the closest real-life equivalent was Burger King's "Enormous Omelet Sandwich". Introduced in 2005 the product consisted of sausage patties, bacon, eggs and cheese within a bun sandwich; it was later criticised for its high fat and calorie content, and discontinued in the US.

16. When a man complained that an "all-you-can-eat" restaurant wasn't living up to its name

In New Kid On The Block, an episode that first aired in 1992, Marge and Homer visited Captain McAlister's All You Can Eat Seafood Restaurant. Homer proceeded to take the "all-you-can-eat" injunction literally, prompting the Captain to declare: "Tis no Man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine." After being removed from the restaurant before eating his fill, Homer consulted an attorney who advised him to sue. ("This is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Never-Ending Story.") In 2012, an outraged customer from Thiensville in Wisconsin, Bill Wisth, phoned the police and organised a picket, after an "all-you-can-eat" fish restaurant refused to continue serving him. Closer to home, the same year saw two men banned from a Brighton restaurant, after allegedly regularly abusing its "all-you-can-eat" rule.

17. When the Albuquerque Isotopes became a real baseball team

In the 2001 episode Hungry Hungry Homer, local minor-league baseball team the Springfield Isotopes decided to move to New Mexico and become the Albuquerque Isotopes. Two years later, real-life team the Calgary Cannons announced a move to Albuquerque. When they held a contest for Albuquerque citizens to name the new team, the winning entry was: the Isotopes. Like Springfield, which houses a nuclear power plant (where Homer works), New Mexico is also home to several nuclear research facilities. The term isotope, which refers to a particular form of an element (often a radioactive one) is frequently used in nuclear research.

18. When real-life voting machines began changing people's votes

In a 2008 Halloween special, Homer was seen attempting to vote for Barack Obama; the electronic voting machine continued to register a vote for Mitt Romney instead. This prediction came true during the 2012 Presidential elections, when a Pennsylvania voting machine was recorded doing the exact same thing. A man identified online as "centralpavote" recorded the malfunction on his smartphone and uploaded the video, where it shot to instant fame. The faulty machine in question was subsequently taken out of service.

19. When Simpsons products hit real shops

In 2007, as part of a marketing campaign for The Simpsons Movie, real life versions of a number of well-known Simpsons products appeared in shops belonging to the international chain 7-Eleven (the chain has no UK-based outlets). Cans of Buzz Cola, Krusty-O's cereal, Squishee slush puppies, and a special edition of the Radioactive Man Comic were all sold for a limited period, alongside other The Simpsons merchandise. However, the team behind the marketing stunt decided not to sell the Simpsons' famous Duff Beer, but instead introduced an alcohol-free Duff Energy Drink.

20. When Duff became a real beer, against the programme-makers wishes

Simpsons creator Matt Groening has publicly stated that he will not license the Duff trademark to brew an actual beer, over concern that it would encourage children to drink. That hasn't prevented a number of companies from attempting to cash in by introducing their own version of the product. In the mid-Nineties, the Australian brewery Lion Nathan attempted to sell a beer named Duff, and were subsequently sued by 20th Century Fox. Only a few cans were produced, and have since become collectors items: one case reportedly sold at auction for $US 13,000 (approximately £8000). Germany's Eschweger Klosterbrauerei brewery produces a Duff beer, while England's Daleside brewery produces a dark beer which goes by the name (Duff can be linke dto the Gaelic term dubh, which means "dark" or "black").

21. When hamburger earmuffs became a real thing

Hamburger earmuffs were invented by The Simpsons' Professor Frink, in the 1998 episode The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace. Frink explained to Homer that you can mix any two things together to form an invention; Homer suggested hamburger earmuffs. Frink then revealed that he had already made that particualr invention, and that they'd soon be on the shelves. The professor's words proved prophetic: hamburger earmuffs have subsequently become "a thing". In 2013, the item received an unexpected spurt of fame when Josh Gates, host of the SyFy reality series Destination Truth, ordered a T-shirt on Amazon and received a pair of hamburger earmuffs by mistake. Initially bemused, Gates soon saw the funny side of the mix-up, and began to tweet pictures of himself wearing product, leading to a demand that soon saw the earmuffs sell out.

^{(Picture: Josh Gates via Twitter)}

22. When real-life actors recreated the intro sequence in painstaking detail

In 2010, the UK-based advertising agency Devilfish produced a promotional video for Sky One, in which each frame of The Simpsons famous opening credits was recreated using human actors (and in which Didcot Power Station doubles up for Springfield's nuclear power plant). Matt Groening was so impressed, he later decided to use the clip as the opening sequence in the episode Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife.

23. When a woman "became" Marge

Earlier this year, makeup artist Veronica Ershova and photographer Alexander Khokhlov worked on a project that transformed real women into works of art: the video below shows how one of their models was turned into an an eerily realistic Marge Simpson. Marge's distinctive towering hairstyle was created via a stack of chrysanthemums, painted blue.

24. When Homer's Land of Chocolate became a real place

In the 1991 episode Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk, two visiting German businessmen inform Homer that they are from "the land of chocolate" (meaning Germany). Homer being Homer, he instantly envisages a fantasy land, in which houses, streets, rivers, streetlamps and animals such as rabbits and dogs are all formed from chocolate. In 2013, Homer's dream became a (sort-of) reality, when the Homer-ishly titled theme park Chocolate Happy Land opened in Shanghai. Attractions on offer at the park include a 400 square-metre castle formed from 160 chocolate stands, chocolate handbags, flower vases and jewellary, a chcoolate recreation of China's terracotta army, and, according to this article in Time Out Shanghai, a chocolate Hello Kitty, and "mannequins wearing chocolate underwear and bikinis".

25. When Barbara Bush learnt a lesson from Marge Simpson

Marge Simpson is know for upholding discipline and good manners – and in 1990, the character had to teach First Lady Barbara Bush a few lessons in politeness. Bush said of The Simpsons: “It was the dumbest thing I had ever seen, but it’s a family thing, and I guess it’s clean.” She later received a letter from Marge, who politely rebuked her for describing the show as "dumb". To her credit, Bush then wrote back, apologising for her “loose tongue” and praising Marge for setting a good example to the rest of the country. Her letter even ended with "PS Homer looks like a handsome fella!"

25 Best British Jokes

From The Telegraph

1. “I’ve been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?’, I automatically say: 'Vodafone.’”

Miranda Hart

2. “I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

Peter Kay

3. “A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.”

Tim Vine

4. “I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids. Well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.”

Sean Hughes

5. “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

Rob Auton

6. “I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.”

Holly Walsh

7. “I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

Jack Whitehall

8. “Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”

Dan Antopolski

9. “Try shoving an ice-cube down your wife’s front at night. 'There’s the chest freezer you wanted.’”

Ken Dodd

10. “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

Stewart Francis

11. “Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.”

Andrew Laurence

12. “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

Tim Vine

13. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

Nick Helm

14. “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It’s not rocket salad.’”

Lou Sander

15. “I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like.”

Pippa Evans

16. “I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”

Alfie Moore

17. “A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?”

Jack Dee

18. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in. It’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”

Michael McIntyre

19. “For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk - but very, very slowly.”

John Bishop

20. A big girl once came up to me after a show and said 'I think you’re fatist.’ I said 'No. I think you’re fattest.’

Jimmy Carr

21. “In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That’s a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off.”

Rhod Gilbert

22. “No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been dining off 'I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years.”

Russell Brand

23. 'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.’

Bill Bailey

24. “Dogs don’t love you. They’re just glad they don’t live in China.”

Romesh Ranganathan

25. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

Matt Kirshen

If you must eat meat, save it for Christmas

From chickens pumped with antibiotics to the environmental devastation caused by production, we need to realise we are not fed with happy farm animals

• 
• • George Monbiot
  • The Guardian, Tuesday 16 December 2014 14.42 GMT

'Many of the books written for very young children are about farms; but these jolly places bear no relationship to the realities of production.' Photograph: Andrew Forsyth/RSPCA

What can you say about a society whose food production must be hidden from public view? In which the factory farms and slaughterhouses supplying much of our diet must be guarded like arsenals to prevent us from seeing what happens there? We conspire in this concealment: we don’t want to know. We deceive ourselves so effectively that much of the time we barely notice that we are eating animals, even during once-rare feasts, such as Christmas, which are now scarcely distinguished from the rest of the year.

It begins with the stories we tell. Many of the books written for very young children are about farms, but these jolly places in which animals wander freely, as if they belong to the farmer’s family, bear no relationship to the realities of production. The petting farms to which we take our children are reifications of these fantasies. This is just one instance of the sanitisation of childhood, in which none of the three little pigs gets eaten and Jack makes peace with the giant, but in this case it has consequences.

Labelling reinforces the deception. As Philip Lymbery points out in his book Farmageddon, while the production method must be marked on egg boxes in the EU, there are no such conditions on meat and milk. Meaningless labels such as “natural” and “farm fresh”, and worthless symbols such as the little red tractor, distract us from the realities of broiler units and intensive piggeries. Perhaps the most blatant diversion is “corn-fed”. Most chickens and turkeys eat corn, and it’s a bad thing, not a good one.

The growth rate of broiler chickens has quadrupled in 50 years: they are now killed at seven weeks. By then they are often crippled by their own weight. Animals selected for obesity cause obesity. Bred to bulge, scarcely able to move, overfed, factory-farmed chickens now contain almost three times as much fat as chickens did in 1970, and just two thirds of the protein. Stalled pigs and feedlot cattle have undergone a similar transformation. Meat production? No, this is fat production.

Sustaining unhealthy animals in crowded sheds requires lashings of antibiotics. These drugs also promote growth, a use that remains legal in the United States and widespread in the European Union, under the guise of disease control. In 1953, Lymbery notes, some MPs warned in the House of Commons that this could cause the emergence of disease-resistant pathogens. They were drowned out by laughter. But they were right.

This system is also devastating the land and the sea. Farm animals consume one third of global cereal production, 90% of soya meal and 30% of the fish caught. Were the grain now used to fatten animals reserved instead for people, an extra 1.3 billion could be fed. Meat for the rich means hunger for the poor.

What comes out is as bad as what goes in. The manure from factory farms is spread ostensibly as fertiliser, but often in greater volumes than crops can absorb: arable land is used as a dump. It sluices into rivers and the sea, creating dead zones sometimes hundreds of miles wide. Lymbery reports that beaches in Brittany, where there are 14 million pigs, have been smothered by so much seaweed, whose growth is promoted by manure, that they have had to be closed as a lethal hazard: one worker scraping it off the shore apparently died of hydrogen sulphide poisoning, caused by the weed’s decay.

It is madness, and there is no anticipated end to it: the world’s livestock population is expected to rise by 70% by 2050.

Four years ago, I softened my position on meat-eating after reading Simon Fairlie’s book Meat: A Benign Extravagance. Fairlie pointed out that around half the current global meat supply causes no loss to human nutrition. In fact it delivers a net gain, as it comes from animals eating grass and crop residues that people can’t consume.

Since then, two things have persuaded me that I was wrong to have changed my mind. The first is that my article was used by factory farmers as a vindication of their monstrous practices. The subtle distinctions Fairlie and I were trying to make turn out to be vulnerable to misrepresentation.

The second is that while researching my book Feral, I came to see that our perception of free-range meat has also been sanitised. The hills of Britain have been sheepwrecked – stripped of their vegetation, emptied of wildlife, shorn of their capacity to hold water and carbon – all in the cause of minuscule productivity. It is hard to think of any other industry, except scallop dredging, with a higher ratio of destruction to production. As wasteful and destructive as feeding grain to livestock is, ranching could be even worse. Meat is bad news, in almost all circumstances.

So why don’t we stop? Because we don’t know the facts, and because we find it difficult even if we do. A survey by the US Humane Research Council discovered that only 2% of Americans are vegetarians or vegans, and more than half give up within a year. Eventually, 84% lapse. One of the main reasons, the survey found, is that people want to fit in. We might know it’s wrong, but we block our ears and carry on.

I believe that one day artificial meat will become commercially viable, and that it will change social norms. When it becomes possible to eat meat without keeping and slaughtering livestock, live production will soon be perceived as unacceptable. But this is a long way off. Until then, perhaps the best strategy is to encourage people to eat as our ancestors did. Rather than mindlessly consuming meat at every meal, we should think of it as an extraordinary gift: a privilege, not a right. We could reserve meat for a few special occasions, such as Christmas, and otherwise eat it no more than once a month.

All children should be taken by their schools to visit a factory pig or chicken farm, and to an abattoir, where they should be able to witness every stage of slaughter and butchery. Does this suggestion outrage you? If so, ask yourself what you are objecting to: informed choice, or what it reveals? If we cannot bear to see what we eat, it is not the seeing that’s wrong, it’s the eating.

Captain Cook and loyalty in sport

Simon Barnes in Cricinfo

If England want to reach the World Cup quarter-finals, they are more likely to do it without Cook, but dropping him would be disloyal © Getty Images

Loyalty is seen as one of sport's cardinal virtues - even though calculated disloyalty is sometimes a shatteringly effective tactic. Take Jimmy Greaves. A great footballer, but the England manager Alf Ramsey showed him no loyalty and dropped him in the course of the World Cup of 1966, preferring Geoff Hurst. Hurst scored a hat-trick in the final, Greaves became an alcoholic.

Yet there are times when loyalty counts. During that same tournament, so dear to the English mind, there were calls from British politicians to drop Nobby Stiles because of his "dirty" play - and people in the Football Association thought they had a point. But Ramsey said he'd resign if ordered to drop Stiles. Stiles stayed, was destructive and brilliant, and England won the tournament.

Loyalty, then, is an equivocal thing, in sport as in anything else. Loyalty isn't a virtue plain and simple: it depends on what - and whom - you are loyal to. Liverpool Football Club made a great show of their loyalty to their forward Luis Suarez when he was accused of racism. Suarez was found guilty and Liverpool's loyalty looked like self-serving parochialism.

Indian cricket remained loyal to Sachin Tendulkar and indulged him right to the end. Would it have been wiser, kinder, more dignified to have moved him on while he had that gloriously imperfect - and Bradmanesque - 99 international centuries to his name? Instead of waiting until he had scored his 100th, inevitably in a losing cause against Bangladesh? In the last couple of seasons Tendulkar lost some of his poetry.

This year English cricket has been all about loyalty. I'm not saying this as a fanciful observer: loyalty was the agenda set by those who run the English game. It's as if they had determined that cricket should become a morality play, one in which the good end happily and the bad unhappily.

But they haven't. Good and bad look equally unhappy.

Perhaps they thought that loyalty was a simple issue. If so, they have been sadly disabused. Poor old Alastair Cook: it was never his ambition to be a symbol of righteousness. He just wanted to play cricket and score runs, and for a while he was immensely good at it.

	Be very careful before you get moral in public. Especially in sport. Runs are not the reward for good behaviour. Nasty men can also score centuries

But they forced him into the role of Captain Loyal: compare and contrast with Kevin Pietersen, Batsman Vile. Pietersen was sacked for various crimes of disloyalty, despite being England's top scorer in their disastrous tour of Australia last winter.

They couldn't just drop him: they wanted Pietersen publicly disgraced. Accordingly, they staked everything on Cook as Pietersen's antithesis: hero to Pietersen's antihero; quiet, composed and decent where Pietersen is loud, rude and self-advertising; generous and team-minded where Pietersen is self-obsessed; above all loyal where Pietersen is disloyal.

A lot of that is a pretty good fit, but this is sport, not politics, and in sport you can't get by on bluster and good intentions. Cook is a batsman and a batsman needs runs. Cook at his best is one of the most certain players who ever took guard. But the traumas of the winter made that certainty a thing of shreds and patches.

He began to rebuild his life post Ashes, post KP. He was greatly helped by India's feeble performance in last summer's Test series, but now, as cricket gets ready for the World Cup early next year, the question of loyalty crops up once again.

For Cook is having a disastrous series against Sri Lanka. England haven't a clue about 50-over cricket, never have; beneath their dignity, I suppose. Cook's attempts to be a one-day batsman mix Dad-dancing embarrassment with Candide-like naiveté. And he has scored no runs.

So England are in a difficult situation. When does it become appropriate to be disloyal to Captain Loyal? Ex-players are saying it's time he was dropped as both captain and player from the one-day team. The most intriguing argument, from the Guardian's Mike Selvey, is that his scrappy one-day batting has removed the certainty from his Test match play.

The irrefragable fact is that Cook is not good enough as either batsman or captain in the 50-over game. If England want to put on a respectable show at the World Cup - i.e. reach the quarter-finals - they are more likely to do it without Cook. But dropping him would be rather disloyal, and this is a team that is flamboyantly built on loyalty.

Eoin Morgan, Cook's likely replacement, is in equally poor batting form © Getty Images

Naturally the players are showing public loyalty to Cook: strong man, difficult patch, got the character to pull through etc etc. But that's their job; they are not going to say: Well, Cookie's struggling, I think I ought to do the job instead.

In sport, as in politics, looking loyal is the default position.

The selectors are now wondering about the cost of public disloyalty. So here's some advice: don't do it unless you have a plausible alternative. Don't drop Bradley Wiggins as your main man in the Tour de France unless you have Chris Froome already in the team. Team Sky were bold enough to risk such disloyalty, and that's how they won the event in 2012 and then 2013.

And here's some more advice. Pity it comes too late, really: be very careful before you get moral in public. Especially in sport. You have to accept that runs are not the reward for good behaviour. And that nasty men can also score centuries. It's also true that a person whose nature is fundamentally disloyal can do a fine job for a team. There's something offensive about the very idea but every team that has even known success has experienced it to some degree. Certainly England have.

But if not Cook, who? Eoin Morgan is the obvious choice, but he can't buy a run either and looks like a busted flush. No point in being publicly disloyal to Captain Loyal - and finding yourself even worse off. So here's the moral: sport may be a minefield but it's not half as explosive as morality.