1. I'm a proctologist. (Proc·tol·o·gy n. The branch of medicine that deals with the diagnosis and treatment of disorders affecting the colon, rectum, and anus.)
2. "I'm unemployed since leaving prison. But I have applications in to be a bouncer at several whorehouses. Why do you ask?"
3. The Queen: "Oh. I ride around in the last horse-drawn carriage in England—and give tiny hand-waves. But the pay is good."
4. 'Work covered by official secrets act'
5. 'Model for a contraceptive products company'
6. 'Fiction writer for the police'
7. "It depends what day of the week it is"
8. Not a lot, but its how I do it that counts.