What happens when an Ashley Madison-shaped bomb goes off in your marriage?

Helen Croydon in The Telegraph

As Loraine, 43, put her three-year-old daughter to bed in their home in Windsor she received a text from her husband. Instead of his usual “almost home” cheery tone, what she opened ripped her world apart. It was an explicit message clearly intended for someone else – another woman. “It pains me to recall the words but suffice to say it was obvious they had either had sex, or were about to.” She says. “I went into shock. I felt sick. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think straight. I had so many questions for him.”

She confronted him and he claimed it was harmless flirtation with someone he’d met on an evening out with friends. But weeks later when Loraine logged on to the family computer, she found a page open at an email account under an alias name. The inbox was full of messages from women and notifications from a dating site which, like Ashley Madison, appeared to be aimed at married people seeking affairs.

“What followed was the worst few weeks of my life,” says Lorraine. “It sucked every ounce of self-confidence out of me. I started to blame and question myself. I wondered if I’d been giving too much attention to my daughter and neglected him. He admitted he had a problem, akin to an addiction. I did my best to understand it. I wanted things to be right. I wanted to whitewash it, press reset. I even stepped up efforts in our relationship – that’s how much I wanted it to work. I was super strong and thought ‘we’ll get through this – some good will come from it’. But inside I was devastated.”

Lorraine’s earth shattering discovery happened three years ago and a year later brought about the end of her marriage.

More than a million Britons fear their work and home lives could be wrecked after their details were leaked online by hackers who published the entire database of the Ashley Madison adultery website

How many couples around the world face similar ordeals this week as they deal with the fallout from the Ashley Madison hacking scandal? An anonymous group calling itself The Impact Team went through with its threat to publish personal details of its 37 million worldwide subscribers. It first dumped the data on the dark web, but it didn’t take long for the information to drip-feed on to the mainstream internet. Several sites sprung up allowing worried spouses to check whether their other halves were straying by entering their email address. One internet user who claimed to have created a searchable database reportedly saw their website crash within minutes of going live.

More than 100 UK government email addresses was among those leaked, as well as more than 20 BBC ones, but it was unclear how many were genuine users of the site. Michelle Thomson, one of the SNP’s newly-elected Westminster MPs, was along those who said someone had stolen her email address and used it without her knowledge.

Within days, relationship counseling service Relate was receiving calls from people who had discovered partners’ details among the data and had their infidelity confirmed to them. Family law firms also report they have been contacted by suspicious spouses since the leak.

Many have taken to the internet forum SurvivingInfidelity.com to express their shock and seek advice. It makes for moving reading: “I had been hoping against hope that my husband would not show up on the list but it seems that he is….This nightmare never seems to end,” says one. Others share tips on how to access the data: “I’d be HAPPY to pay someone to mine the data, package it up and send it to me. Surely this service will be offered shortly, right?”

The group behind the attack apparently have a gripe not only with the morals of a website offering an illicit playroom to married people, but with Ashley Madison’s practice of charging its subscribers to delete information. “Too bad for those men, they’re cheating dirtbags and deserve no such discretion. Too bad for ALM (the company behind Ashley Madison), you promised secrecy but didn’t deliver,” the hackers wrote last month.

Founder of the site, Noel Biderman, said: 'The reason we’ve been so successful is because monogamy is counter to our DNA'

But public exposure could prove an irresponsible means of justice. Susan Quilliam, a relationship psychologist and author of The New Joy of Sex, says discovering a partner’s infidelity can cause more devastation to the innocent party than the guilty one. “When you lose a relationship and you weren’t expecting to lose it, there is betrayal, shock, horror, bereavement, denial, depression. It impacts on family, friends, relatives. In a way it’s worse than a bereavement. With a bereavement you lose the future with them. When you discover casual infidelity you lose the past too.”

And what of the danger to those whose details have been leaked in punitive regimes? Data monitoring group CybelAngel says there are 1,200 email addresses with a Saudi Arabian suffix, where adultery is punishable by death. Also included are names on Ashley Madison’s gay encounters site, many from countries where homosexuality is illegal. Blackmailers have reportedly been trawling through the database in an attempt to extort users.

The Canadian company behind Ashley Madison, Avid Life Media, has long defended its business principle, claiming humans have cheated for centuries and they are merely enabling people to meet their sexual needs free from emotional complications. The founder of the site, Noel Biderman, told me in an interview in April this year: “The reason we’ve been so successful is because monogamy is counter to our DNA…What we’ve done is created a platform where likeminded individuals can be more honest and open about their intentions than they could be on [other sites].”

There may well be plenty of anthropological arguments to support the “monogamy is unnatural” thesis, but there are plenty more in favour of a little self-control.

As Quilliam points out, too much of a good thing can lead to problems: “Men and women have always had urges for short-term sexual encounters but in previous years we didn’t have the opportunity. Now it’s available. It’s online. Because it’s so easy there is a danger of getting addicted to the high. There is a dopamine rush with every message and every encounter. We try to curb smoking by making it not readily available, banning it indoors etc. Perhaps we should be thinking about what we can access online.”

When Lorraine discovered her husband’s secret dating life, she created a fake profile to try and understand why her husband would want to betray her. “The only way to forgive was to try to understand it,” she explains. What she discovered angered her: “If you don’t log on for a while you get reminders, or incentives like a month’s free membership. They even give tips on how not to get caught. On bank statements the name of the transaction is disguised – they’ve got it all sorted. It’s actively encouraging deceit. Obviously if someone wants to cheat they will cheat, but these sites accelerate a behaviour pattern. It’s like giving a drugs to drug addicts and then putting them all together to encourage each other.”

'Despite the morally questionable tagline, 'Life is short, have an affair,' Ashley Madison’s popularity is undeniable'

Despite the morally questionable tagline, “Life is short, have an affair,” Ashley Madison’s popularity is undeniable. It claims thirty-seven million members in 50 countries worldwide, including 1.2 million in UK and reports a growth in membership of 20% since March this year (although a growing number of supposed members whose details have been leaked online insist they had never even heard of it). And it is just one of a growing number of so-called cheating dating sites.

Nor is it just men who may be feeling nervous this week. Ashley Madison recently told the Telegraph it has more female members than men, although it refuses to disclose how many are active. A source close to the FBI investigation into the leak has, morever, told this newspaper that many of the female profiles on the site appear to have been created by a relatively small number of individuals. Men pay to send and receive messages. Women do not, and it has been claimed that fake profiles are created to reel in husbands.

There are plenty who support the actions of the hackers. Denise Knowles a counselor at Relate, says: “When something like this comes into the public arena people take time and take stock to look at their relationship. When a secret like this is discovered, it can open up the possibility of talking about things and it can give the opportunity for good to come out of it.”

But for Lorraine, no amount of talking could fix her relationship. Discovery of her husband’s sordid secret spelled the end. “I absolutely did not want to divorce him but it was always the elephant in the room,” she says. “I’m still heartbroken and I can’t explain to my daughter why we separated. If I hadn’t found what I did, we’d have made it.”

What may have been intended by the hackers as a self-righteous pop at philanderers around the world is fast escalating into something with far graver consequences. The data even included extracts from profiles, quoting cringeworthy descriptions of sexual fantasies. It was perhaps an attempt at ridicule, expected to be greeted by nothing more than sniggers. The reality is that the biggest cost is not to the adulterers being exposed, but the families affected.

The Ashley Madison hack: What to do if you suspect your partner is having an affair

Following the hack of Ashley Madison, the dating site for extra-marital affairs, many people are looking to find out if their partner was signed up. So if you suspect your partner is cheating on you, should you confront them? Does revenge ever make you feel better? And can relationships survive an affair?

 Ammanda Major in The Independent

There are no two ways about it – affairs can be hugely painful. Feelings of shock, anger and resentment can quickly set in and knowing what to do about them can seem torturous. The mere thought that your partner may be attracted to someone else or actively involved with them is tough enough, but knowing what to say or do about it is usually tougher.Perhaps a starting point is to focus on what has made you suspicious. Do you have ‘facts’? Has someone said something to you? Has your partner become withdrawn or started making more of an effort with their appearance? Have things between you been difficult recently and you have noticed that they are talking more about a specific person, perhaps a friend or work colleague? Perhaps you are concerned about what they are up to online or have discovered unusual texts or emails. Any or all of these are likely to throw most people into panic.

Often, fears about affairs arise when there may be other problems. As a Relate counsellor, I see how family life stages like looking after young children, older children leaving home (or not leaving home), redundancy, ill health, becoming carers or extra work pressures can all wear down our resources and make us feel vulnerable and insecure. It is important to remember this, because any of them might lead to a partner being less attentive or available than before, but that does not mean they are having an affair.

 But what do you do if you still suspect something is going on? Firstly, try and get clear what it is you actually do suspect. Is it sex, an emotional attachment, a cyber relationship or a friendship? Do not be tempted to go down the route of bugging your partner’s devices or using similar methods to track their whereabouts. This is unhelpful, possibly criminal and very unlikely to assist you to recover what you most want, i.e your partner.

Whilst it is true that it is good to talk, beware of telling all your friends and family about your suspicions. Remember, the more people who become involved, take sides and offer often conflicting advice, the more difficult it may be to start thinking about what the two of you want to do, if and when it turns out there has been an affair. Confiding in a trusted friend or family member can be useful to help you get your thoughts straighter and work out how to best tackle your partner about your worries.

Secondly, decide if you actually want to raise it with your partner. It is probably fair to say that many relationships continue for years with the suspicion of an affair, with nothing ever being said. Long term though, this is often a really painful option with years of resentment and feelings of abandonment building up that eat into your confidence and self-esteem. But fearing confirmation of any suspicion is powerful and it is understandable that we may try to put concerns to one side for as long as possible.

Thirdly, if you decide to raise it, choose a good time. Don’t raise it in the middle of a row about something else or when one of you is about to go out. Try and make sure you will not be interrupted. Most importantly, try and stay calm and tell your partner exactly why you are worried. Give them a chance to explain themselves but be prepared for the answer. Usually, we are hoping for reassurance that will reduce our anxieties about being left for someone else and you may not get this. The reality of having a suspicion confirmed by a ‘confession’ may come as a relief for some people but for most, it’s devastating.

However much you ask for information, your partner may not give you what you want. They may deny it outright, or tell you ‘it’s just a friend’. Either way you may be left feeling the matter is unresolved. Once it has been raised though there is often the overwhelming urge to come back to it time and time again, usually with the same outcome. Getting to this point is exhausting for both of you so it could be useful to get some professional help to try to find a way forward – whether that’s together or apart. Ultimately, if you keep suspecting and they keep denying, you may need support to help you make decisions about what to do next.

It is not uncommon for people to consider some form of revenge when they feel they have been betrayed by their partner. Some people might think it is a good idea to have an affair themselves for example, to damage the person’s property, or to name and shame the guilty party. While this may make them feel better at the time, in the long term not only do they end up having to deal with the hurt if it turns out there was an affair, but also the consequences of the revenge. If you find yourself wanting to seek revenge and even more so if you have not got all your facts straight, take a step back to recognise this is because of the level of hurt you are feeling at the time.

People tend to be pessimistic about whether their relationship can recover – indeed, Relate’s 2014 The Way We Are Now survey of over 5000 people found that only 33% thought a relationship could survive an affair. However, this was in stark contrast to the optimism of our counsellors, 94% of whom believed that a relationship can survive and potentially thrive after a partner has cheated.

So the good news is that many relationships recover from suspicions or confirmation of an affair. Despite the pain and anxiety, some couples say that an affair has given them the opportunity to examine all sorts of relationship issues and they feel stronger as a partnership afterwards. But this usually comes after a lot of soul searching and acknowledgement that no one has made your partner have an affair and that by doing so they have turned your world upside down.
Ammanda Major is a Relate Counsellor and Sex Therapist