Atheism 2.0

Live-tweeting a very public break-up

by Janey Godley in The Independent

On a train ride from Glasgow to London I was privy to a not-so-private conversation between a couple, let’s call them Jack & Francesca. This entire story happened and was tweeted live by me.

• Couple on train before it’s even moved and they have fallen out over “her inability to accept the truth”. This will be fun.

• She just told him “I can accept the truth, you are incapable of speaking it. Now who is Tamera and why did she email you?

The train still hasn’t even moved yet.

• He said “Tamera isn’t working with us anymore she lives in Rome now” she said “lucky her is she a nun then?” and slammed her bag down.

• He hissed “Shut up Francesca, we never had anything going on it was when we were staying in Bognor remember?” she says “yes Bognor”.

• Francesca says “you were impotent in Bognor or were you just exhausted fucking Tamera?”.

He (Jack) is staring at floor. Francesca is eating a sandwich in a furious chompy manner.

• Francesca is on her text and Jack is pretending to ignore her. Jack: “who are you sending that piece of shit to?” “your mum” she said.

• Jack just rubbed his eye “Stop grooming me Francesca” he said. She stared and said “did Tamera ‘groom’ you? (She did rabbit fingers).

• Jack has gone to loo. Francesca just called Kate on mobile “I hate him Kate he never explains his emails or texts that I find”.

Jack is back.

• “Now tell me everything about Tamera” she hisses and Jack is staring at her I think he is scared.

She just plucked out one of his eyebrows out in the middle of a conversation with her fingers.

Jack tried to hold her hand but Francesca just grabbed his face and snogged him.

• “I love you Jack” says Francesca.

• Jack says “I was close to Tamera back in 99 before we met” no JACK don’t tell her! Francesca is smiling, encouraging him to tell.

• “Tamera and I flat shared in Manchester in late 90s – was wild times” Jack smiled wistfully.

Francesca is actually gnashing her jaw, how can Jack not see this?

• “Wild how?” she asks.

• “I told you I was in a band at uni back in late 90s” Jack pleads. Francesca snorts “was it Oasis?” and laughs really loudly at Jack.

• Jack stupidly explains “We did a few festivals together when I was in the band” Francesca laughs “what BAND? You were in a band?”

Jack has got up and walked off.

• Francesca is on phone to her pal Kate “did you know he was in a band? Me neither”.

• “Kate, I’m getting the morning after pill I have six hours left to make sure am not pregnant to this loser” said Francesca.

Jack is back. He is looking at me suspiciously. Hope he can’t see me tweeting.

• Jack: “Francesca I never loved Tamera – it was 98 last time I saw her, she emailed to say she is in Rome living please stop fighting”.

• “Am pregnant” Francesca just said to Jack.

Oh My God she isn’t she is going to take morning after pill. Do I step in?

Tunnel.

• “Are you sure?” he is asking. She is glaring at him “Of course I’m sure I’m a woman, are you calling me a liar?”

Meanwhile I am shaking my head at him mouthing the word LIAR.

• Francesca just said “well I might not be pregnant but am thinking of not taking the morning after pill which is same thing”.

There is another watcher to this story – just spotted a man watching me watching them. He has raised an eyebrow at me.

• Jack: “that’s not the same as being pregnant Francesca take the pill I don’t want this anymore” people are staring.

• Francesca just said: “I love you, don’t leave me, what about Janet?”

Who is Janet?

• “Janet will be fine, don’t pretend you loved her as well?”  I want to ask who Janet is.

• Francesca: “Janet needs grooming” please please let Janet be a horse and not a child.

• “I’m not paying to keep her anymore Jack if you leave me” Francesca says.

Am guessing Janet is a horse.

• He says “I’m riding Janet this week”.

Phew Janet is a horse/pony/thing.

• “Look can we stop talking about your horse and explain why you are leaving me?” says Francesca.

• Jack: “you pretended to be pregnant Francesca”.

• “I didn’t pretend I said I might be. You always make me the liar Jack” says Francesca “I wish I recorded what you said” says Jack.

I wish Janet was another woman he is riding and I wish I could tell Jack I have recorded what Francesca said.

• Jack stormed off Francesca is crying into phone “Kate he is being horrible and I think am pregnant if I don’t take morning after”.

• Jack is back with four cans of beer and has sat at another table.

• Jack is ignoring Francesca’s attempts to reconcile. Half way down the train a toddler falls.

• The baby screams – very well timed – Jack is talking to ‘Ruppy’ his pal… wait. Jack just got up and ran off train at Carlisle.

• Train is moving off now and Francesca is just banging on window.

Even I didn’t expect that! Jack is OFF.

• Francesca to Kate on phone “He just got off train at Carlisle… Yes he took his bag and ran off. Am taking the pill now he is such a wimp”.

• “We didn’t really make a go of it he prefers horses and was in Iraq for most of the year” she is saying on the phone.

Am guessing Jack was in army? Why else would you go to Iraq?

• Jack has called her people, Jack is on the phone.

• Francesca is shouting at him. “I’m getting off at the next stop. Nick s is coming to get me”.

Who is Nick?

• Jack hung up by the sounds of it and now Francesca is sitting staring out of the window.

• Francesca calls Jack. “Go back to Iraq with your mates or whatever they are called …well ..That then …regiment …whatever, I don’t care”.

• Francesca to Jack on phone: “Am meeting Nick at Oxenhome if you must know”.

• She is back on the phone to Jack now: “I’m sorry Jack, sorry, please meet me at Oxenholme? I love you”.

• She got off at Oxenholme and is on phone to Jack – I think they are meeting up. THE END.

Three Days Later…

• I got an email to my website from Jack or someone claiming to be him. Have asked for a photo as I know what he looks like.

• Jack is confirmed. Emailed me a photo of him and it’s him! I asked him what happened at Carlisle.

• Told me briefly in email he is glad he read the thread as he didn’t know Francesca said those things – he didn’t go to Oxenholme.

• He’s going to Cornwall where he lives & has a horse. He hopes Francesca finds Nick and leaves him alone – he is a bit embarrassed.