The Shape of Stories

 Kurt Vonnegut

Vaginas may be weird and hairy, but they certainly don’t need steaming

We’ve moved on from stripping our most sensitive regions of their natural hair, and have
apparently started paying for vagina beauty treatments. Olivia Goldhill rounds up some of
the most absurd products imaginable, including the vajacial. Some women do this, but on their vaginas.  

By Olivia Goldhill
3:45PM GMT 05 Dec 2013

In the good old days, all you needed to be ready for sex is two willing participants and a healthy dose of sexual chemistry. Then pubic hair went out of fashion, and women suddenly had to start plucking, shaving, waxing,trimming away their natural state before copulation.
Now, it seems that vajacials are a thing. As in, facials, but for your vagina.

Apparently, these started off as a relatively simple affair in 2010, with a papaya enzyme mask, deep cleanse and tweezer hair extractions. They’ve moved on though. Impossibly, beauticians have moved on from convincing women that a papaya-scented nether region is a necessary aspect of good sex, and have introduced a whole new
range of vagina-themed beauty products.

Some women, before a big date or perhaps a romantic mini-break, actually book themselves in for a treatment of vaginal steaming. Presumably, they sit back, spread their legs and allow steam to gently (I hope) cleanse their vagina. But what temperature is the steam, where (exactly) does it go, and how on earth is steam any better at cleaning than plain water?
The treatments are usually done a day or two after the woman's period ends, and "heals any
imbalances" in the vagina. Which suggests I've been walking around with an unbalanced vagina for years.

Vaginoplasty is another trend, where you can shape your vagina into the desired shape. But what is this desired shape and who has a vagina that needs to be cosmetically re-modelled before sex? Poetry aside, vaginas are weird-looking things - they’re so un-pretty, I’m unsure what a “beautiful” vagina is supposed to look like. Perhaps we’ve been going overboard with the flower metaphors and some women actually want their vaginas to look like a rose.
Symmetry and neatness are listed as the longed-for traits, but this raises a whole new set of questions - is everyone else measuring their vaginas for perfect symmetry?

Now London’s getting in on America’s vaginal fashion trends, with salons offering "vaginal
rejuvenation" for hundreds of pounds. Bad news for students then (and most other people), who will undoubtedly struggle to afford an appropriately-preened vagina. Maybe it can be a special treat that a couple saves up for once a year, when they can enjoy annual sex day with properly presented sexual organs.

The vagina is apparently rejuvenated by a costly serum, which was originally created to treat wounds, but has moved on to a new life sprucing up female genitals. Magically, this serum can improve "vaginal function" and "tighten and firm the vaginal walls".

I’m not surprised that these treatments exist, but I’m a little scared that women—even one, solitary woman—is paying for them. There are women out there who are so anxious about what their partner will think about their vaginas, that they spend hundreds of pounds making them look “nice”.

But they need to stop this. They really do. No one envies the sex life of a woman complimented on her jojoba and rosemary scents. No one envies the sex life of a woman whose partner notices her jojoba and rosemary scents.

Vaginas are weird and they are hairy and that’s how they’re supposed to be. We need to stop worrying out what our poor vaginas look like during sex. It’s how they feel that really counts. OK?