Suárez appears to have grasped how society’s rules have changed.
Under the old system, if you cheated you hoped you weren’t caught. Now
you don’t mind getting caught, you just announce that cheating isn’t
really breaking any rules, and carry on. Football is only a reflection
of that society.
So in his next match, Suárez could place the ball
in a Sherman tank and drive it through the goal, flanked by marines who
assassinate the opposing goalkeeper. His manager would say, “I can’t
comment as I didn’t see the incident, but his first touch was
astounding”. Match of the Day would debate whether the
commandos were interfering with play. And after he’d scored 60 goals
this way, the Football Association would set up an inquiry, in which
Suárez would say he couldn’t recall ever playing football in his life.
The inquiry would propose a limit on the number of tanks in each half
but this wouldn’t be implemented as Suárez would be outraged at the
restrictions on his freedom.
Or he could learn from the Deputy Prime Minister,
by pledging to abolish handball at all times in every way, including by
the goalkeeper, with fines for anyone who even carries the ball to the
ground. And then spend the next match throwing balls in the goal, before
announcing: “I’m really, really sorry to have made such a foolish
promise. I’m sure you’ll understand that from now on I’m going to do
this in every match.”
Maybe the first part of each footballer’s
training now is to study the banks. The coach says: “This lot were
caught bringing the whole economic system down, but did they bother
looking sheepish? No, they insisted on an extra bonus as it would be
even harder clearing up the mess than it was causing it. If they can do
that after causing a global recession, you can do it after diving in the
box.”
As the attitude towards cheating is so similar in different
fields, football pundits should be regular guests on the news. So Alan
Shearer could say: “You can see from this angle, the police have
definitely falsified 116 documents, but the ref hasn’t blown the whistle
so they’ve got away with it.”
Some commentators suggested that
Suárez should have owned up to his foul, but with the modern rules, even
if he’d announced on the Tannoy, “I punched that ball in the goal ha ha
ha”, the referee would have let it stand, but suggested at some point
in the future someone should set up a self-regulating body made up of
prominent figures from the handballing community.