'With the break-up of the UK imminent, Scotland Yard is clearly an inappropriate name. Why not Samsung Yard?' Photograph: Facundo Arrizabalaga/EPA
The Metropolitan police, one of the most sclerotic institutions in Britain, is at last making strides to join the modern world where money is short and everyone has to shape up or ship out. As well as considering the sale of New Scotland Yard in central London, which will make a very nice luxury hotel or HQ for a Middle Eastern sovereign wealth fund, and moving to a refurbished terraced house in Peckham, it is also now seeking to attract sponsors, with donors supplying an increasing amount of its equipment.
There are the usual leftwing critics (Boris Johnson would have a ruder word for them) who carp that this will undermine the independence of the police. But they need to get real. Policing is expensive and our police will know where the red lines have to be drawn to ensure that their view of McDonald's is not influenced by the fact that it is paying for police mountain bikes, or that the policing of matches involving Chelsea or Queens Park Rangers is not affected by the fact those clubs have kindly given the police much-needed football shirts.
Scotland Yard robustly defends the donations, saying it has a "long history" of working with commercial partners to tackle crime. It's time to move that history along. There is no reason why many aspects of police work shouldn't be paid for by commercial organisations, following the example of UK Payments Administration Ltd, which has donated £11.9m to fund the police's dedicated cheque and plastic crime investigation unit.
Let's start thinking creatively about this and get more companies involved. WH Smith could sponsor police notepads and pencils; Dyson could pay for anti-litter units; Yale locks would be an obvious sponsor for police units dealing with burglaries; Virgin could underwrite the Flying Squad; Ann Summers could produce branded handcuffs and truncheons; the Antiques Roadshow could sponsor the art theft unit; Visa and Mastercard will want to compete for the plastic card crime contract; there must be mattress companies that would want to sponsor padded cells (with extra pocket springs); and do Black Marias really have to be black – why not orange (EasyJail)?
New New Scotland Yard, down in Peckham, could itself be sponsored. With the break-up of the UK imminent, Scotland Yard is clearly an inappropriate name. Why not Samsung Yard? And why not brand individual police stations? Instead of Paddington Green, why not Paddington Bear?
Police personnel wear drab uniforms and for some bizarre reason walk around with their fingers tucked into their tunics. Why not redesign the uniforms and cover them in stylish logos like Formula One drivers? They will look and feel better about themselves, and their forces will be making some desperately needed dosh.
This isn't rocket science. It's simple commercial thinking that will transform the face of the police in this country. As a nation we have become fearful of change and commercialisation, losing out to more innovative countries in Asia and South America which don't have hang-ups about keeping public service and tawdry commerce separate. There are no Chinese walls in China! Unless we wake up, we will be eaten by the Asian tiger and the South American (subs – please fill in appropriate animal). The police, in embracing the need to find sponsors and reduce their dependence on the state, are showing what is possible. Now for the fire service … or rather the EDF fire service.